From the other side. How times have changed!
Truly, so much has changed since my last post. For one thing, in my mind it has been about 9 months since I last updated the blog. To log on and see nary a post in 2016 was kind of mind-blowing. They aren’t kidding around when they say time flies. Especially when you’re chasing a little one around.
When I last posted, I was expecting a baby. I wasn’t exactly expecting Charlotte, per se, but rather an idea of a baby. I had no idea what I was in for, what her little personality would be like, what my life would be like, or how much would change. To be on the other side of that, reminiscing about first-time pregnancy is so very interesting. Now I have a little toddling baby girl who speaks (“Ice!” (ice) “Wi-kie! (Wilkie) "Tootie!" (Cookie) "Dank-oo!" (Thank you) "Peas!" (Please)). She also laughs, plays jokes, and eats just about everything under the sun. Suddenly it’s so hard to remember my life before her.
One thing I can say, without hesitation, is that life is infinitely better. Every day, Charlotte makes me thankful to be her mom. Some days are hard, some days are endless, but most days are pure joy. Charlotte is such a happy girl. She lives to laugh, loves the occasional drama, being tossed around by her dad, chasing Wilkie (and newly growling at him), climbing anything and everything, eating blueberries, and so much more.
On the other side of the fun and joy, there's another part of motherhood that fortunately, I did anticipate. That part is just diving in head-first to parenting and forgetting that you were actually a human before your main purpose was raising another human. In the midst of the daily joy, there's a personal struggle to try and remember who you were before, and wonder if you'll ever be that person again.
Something Adele said when she won her millionth Grammy really resonated with me:
“In my pregnancy and through becoming a mother I lost a lot of myself, and then I’ve struggled and I do struggle at being a mum. It’s really hard. But tonight winning this really feels full circle and like a bit of me has come back to myself.”
- Am I as good as my mom?
- Will Charlotte ever like me as much as she likes her dad?
- Has Charlotte pooped today? God, is she pooping too much?
- Should I care more about her clothes?
- Should I care more about how many vegetables she eats?
- I buy the organic milk. Is that enough? Are there still hormones in it?
- Is Charlotte going to play outside and explore like I did every day in the summer? Is it illegal to let children wander around outside now?
- Is Charlotte already addicted to screens? Should I care more about that?
- Why does she only want carbs? Is it because I only want carbs?
- Is it bad that I look forward to work every Monday? How did work seem hard before? Shout out to the stay at home moms. That shit is no joke.
- Will I ever get to have ladies nights again?
- Will I ever remember what I was like before I was a mom?
- What did Mike and I talk about before Charlotte?
- When will it be easier to plan something for myself?
- When will Charlotte NOT be sick at the most inopportune times? I hate when she’s sick. I love when she snuggles me when she’s sick. When will I stop getting sick?
- Why does she call Roscoe and Wilkie by their names, yet won’t call me mama? When will she stop calling her paci “mama?” God, is that the most embarrassing thing ever?
- If we have another, will she be happy or sad?
- Will Wilkie be devastated? When will Wilkie stop being scared of her?
- Is it almost nap time? Is it almost bed time? I miss Charlotte. Should I wake her up? I’ll watch a video instead. Aw! God, she really is perfect. Damn it, she’s awake.
Sadly, I won’t get one of those “Ok, I’m basically amazing I have like forty Grammys AND I'm rocking motherhood” moments, but now that Charlotte is developing her own little personality, and we’re on a great schedule, and we’re able to have so much fun together, it finally feels like I can be a little more human again. You know, like your natural human self. Not your mom-superhuman self. Moms, you feel me?
So anyway, after all of these words (so many words), I can say that posting on the blog feels like a little something for me again. I can't promise a lot of glitz and glam, but hopefully I'll be back again soon.
If anyone is still out there, thanks, as always, for reading!